Save the expense of buying a Caterham by sitting in the bath,
wearing a helmet, whilst a friend fires pieces of mud and rubber at
your head and you can pretend to get all indignant when a normal
car overtakes you as you are driving like a faggot.
Track day drivers, where possible, run two wheels onto rumble
strips. This way spectators will think you are really on the limit
and be suitably impressed.
TVR drivers, save the expense of a trackday by simply getting
up early, finding a local road, accelerating as hard as possible
down the straights, crawling round the corners, and going home at
11.00 due to a mechanical failure.
Internet forum posters, pretend you are a great driver by
heel-and-toeing to the Spar and back for a pint of milk.
Rich people, don't bother learning to drive. Just buy a GT3RS
and a gay race suit, and always drive in the novice sessions with
the Fiestas and Corsas. No-one will pass you so your ego will
remain intact.
Track day drivers, near spectator areas, keep in one gear lower
than necessary. The extra engine noise will make everyone assume
you are going faster than you really are.
Internet forum posters, save the expense of going to the
Nurburgring for the weekend by staying at home with your Mum and
then on Tuesday, posting that you managed an 8'15" BTG time in your
Clio 1.2 but there is more to come if traffic and weather
conditions allow.
Save the expense of satnav by simply buying a map and giving it
to your passenger. Then ask them to continually give you directions
to Droitwich even though you keep shouting "I am in fucking France
and looking for the Eiffel Tower you piece of shit".
Lotus Elise drivers, after crashing maintain the internet
illusion that you are a great driver by claiming there was 'diesel
on the road', after all, no-one else knows there wasn't and you
don't have to mention the biker who came through the same corner
with his knee down, at stupid speed, whilst you were waiting for
the recovery truck.
If you really must wear a racesuit on a touristenfahrten at the
'Ring, have your name embroidered onto it. It will save all those
embarassing "Who's the wanker in the race suit?" remarks as
everyone will already know who the wanker is.
Experience the joys of satnav without the expense. Simply give
your passenger a map and get them to say 'turn left' slightly
after your junction then 'please do a u-turn' in a really smug
voice, even though they know you are now driving on a
motorway.
Drivers with 9 points on your licence.When stopped for
speeding, simply tell the traffic officer you just glorified
terrorism in a heated pub debate. This way he will have to arrest
you under the terms of the Prevention of Terrorism Act and you will
avoid getting banned from driving.
Trackday heroes, when posting up trackday videos, always leave
out the laps where you get overtaken. Everyone will then think you
are really good.
Enjoy the Porsche Boxster ownership experience by simply buyimg
one with a blown engine and parking it on your drive. You can still
impress your neighbours with your Porsche while you are
Zymolling it but you will have saved a fortune on running costs.
No-one buys a Boxster to drive it anyway. You'll also have to
Porsche keyfob to impress with down at the pub.
